Forgetting Race June 29, 2010

I’ve been back on O’ahu for a little over a month now.  The island is a wonderful as ever, maybe even better!  I just noticed that with the exception of a few conversations with friends, I have been going about life without thinking about my racial background.  This is something that I was never able to do in any of the other places I have lived.  With other Asian Americas, I was always conscious of being “only half” and thus somehow inauthentic.  With non-Asians, I sometimes felt out of place.  But here, I don’t think about being mixed or half or part anything.  Here, I live a life of relative privilege due to my phenotype and skin color.  Here, I don’t feel guilty of uncomfortable in my skin.

My so-called racial privilege allows me a certain amount of invisibility and the luxury of not having to defend or even discuss my race.  This is how I imagine dominant society lives on the continental United States.  O’ahu is one of the few places where I am continually around other mixed individuals.  It is a form of comfort.

One thing that currently stands out to me is that most other mixed people have the same experience of having parents of different ethnic and racial background and thus the parents do not form some kind of cultural/ethnic alliance.  Parents and kids have different experiences in the world.  Some have racial privilege, some do not, some pass, some cover, some are vocal, some silent.

If anything, I feel like I am passing for local or even raceless.

Note: because the mixed race population in the islands is high compared to most other places in the country, there are many people who have parents who are also both mixed race and thus may have commonalities that those of us with parents of different races do not.

Pride and Power in Ambiguity April 2, 2010

I’ve recently become a daily reader of Yes Magazine.  Their articles focus on peace, social justice, race, politics, environmentalism, and other fascinating and important topics.  Recently, Yes Magazine released their spring issue entitled America: The Remix.  The personal histories are fantastic.  One of my favorite quotes from the essay, Generation Mixed: Breaking the Race Barrier is, “I…began to see my identity as something I could choose to define as liberating.  It takes a monumental effort to make that choice within a culture that defines ambiguity as loss, where you are neither Chinese nor white.  Multiracial existence is a struggle for empowered ambiguity” – Jenny Lee, Allied Media Conference/Detroit Summer

I’m glad that ambiguity is becoming something that we can openly embrace.  Yet, lately, I find myself tired of all the mixed race talk.  I am not saying we are beyond race or anything like that, but I’m changing.  I find myself surrounded primarily by Asian Americans and Mixies and honestly, I don’t feel anything but Asian American.  Here, in San Francisco, I don’t use the word Hapa, I don’t care what kinds of questions people ask me.  I’m bored with the whole thing.  Recently, I spent a few days in LA with an all Asian American group of friends (save for my friend Alvaro) and it was just (I hate to use the word normal) simple, easy.  My race was irrelevant.  I ate Chinese food.  I used Mandarin when I could.  It was a kind of belonging that felt right.

Perhaps with time my racial ennui will subside, perhaps not.  I’ll let you know.

Inside this Halfsie’s Head December 5, 2009

Recently, my anxiety has evolved from a constant presence to a short but noticeable absence followed by raging pain.  Is it mental or physical, you may ask?  Well, the answer is, it is both.  Anxiety can be circular with the mental informing the physical and then the physical contributing to the mental and so on.  As Asian Americans, we are depicted as stoic and less plagued by disorders of the mind as compared to the dominant majority.  Obviously, this is why many of us receive little or no treatment or support for our internal anguish.

I’ve been wanting to try to put into words just what an anxiety or panic attack entails for me.  This is hard for two reasons.  The first is that I have just begun to be comfortable dialoging about my crazy mind.  The second reason is that the attacks are often very dissimilar even when they originate from the same trigger.

Below are some of the most common triggers:
1. Fear and lack of control over something that is going to happen

2. Fear that I am being deceived which leads to all kinds of crazy thoughts running through my head

3. Fear that I will never stop hurting inside

4. Fear that the person I love will reject me

5. Discomfort due to upcoming social situations

6. Unease at having to wait

I’ll start with those six for now.  Right now actually, as I write this, my heart is racing, my stomach is turning, and my hands are beginning to perspire.  I am alone, don’t know when I will be around another person again, do not know if I will be staying at home for just a little while longer, all night, all weekend.  I’m uncomfortable and both dizzy and nauseated.  I want to escape my body.  I want to turn off my mind.  There is no escape because there is something I don’t have the answer to.  I lack control and the ability to let things be out of my control.  It’s high stress time, the body is in fight or flight response.  All previous hunger is replaced by stomach discomfort.

Earlier this evening, as my mind began to race, my body was quick in following.  I actually felt my temperature change, felt my hunger diminish, felt myself needing to be out of my skin or if not that, than at least out of my head.

Is there a way to temper these symptoms?  Yes and no.  Yes, in that there are medications (in various forms) that can allow for some calm and can start to work neurologically.  No, in that if the triggers still exist, and for me, if I continue to exist with my same thoughts and reactions, I will be a prisoner to my brain.

There are periods of mania, of hyperactivity in my brain (regardless of how my body is behaving).  There are also periods of numbness.  Silence, stillness, those sensations rarely occur.  And when they do, when I am at my most calm, there is still the lingering fear (push it back as I try) that it will soon end, and the madness will come back even harder than before.

I welcome comments and questions.

Valerie aka tanookie

Mornings in SF December 3, 2009

After reading Lauren’s earlier post on her mornings in Kaneohe, HI, I decided to reply with a similar post.

San Francisco mornings in December are chilly. The city is covered in a blanket of fog, the air is misty. I’m finishing off a plate of vegan pumpkin chocolate chip walnut pancakes that tasted much better than they looked. Even though the heater is cranked up to 75 degrees, I’m wearing two sweaters. A hot cup of coffee at my side, a pile of work, and my trusty laptop…working at home definitely has its perks.

On another note, I hope readers out there are ready for us. Three mixed girls, way too many American Studies classes, a penchant for indie rock, cute animals, and a whole lotta commentary on the elephant in the room (i.e., what are you? where are you really from? etc).